From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
