i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize