the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
