Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
there was a trapeze. enough said
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
