remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize