I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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