I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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