she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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