Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Found your dick twin last night
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
