im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
