my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm bleeding and have questions
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