No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
