I think my fart just growled at me.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
