i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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