i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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