i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
