Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
