My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
