shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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