Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
