I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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