I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
