I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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