Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
