His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
no you cant smoke seaweed
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
