omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
