Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I want to fling myself into the sun
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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