I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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