I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
