I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
