Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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