Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
