FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Don't tell me you're on acid again
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
