It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
