it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
