there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
