I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
