my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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