if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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