There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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