Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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