you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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