this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
