"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
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