I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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