so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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