soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my sisters under your porch take her home
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
