i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
