tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
