You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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