I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize