Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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