I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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