I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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