I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
