You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
