My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
