hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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