Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Still dying that you shit outside
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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