Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
