i think my mom watched the whole time
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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