I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
