no, he came in my armpit
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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