I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
