my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
