I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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