Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize