You really coming over, don't trick.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
