I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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