His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
